Losing Control and Accepting the Pain

by Noriko Utsuzawa

Noriko is the first Inspired Certified Doula. She and her husband have four year old twin boys. Noriko became interested in doula work because without a knowledgeable companion at her side, she felt rather lonely during her labor and delivery and wanted to help other women avoid those same feelings. She believes that a doula helps women feel empowered and makes the birth experience a positive one. Incorporating her massage skills, she hopes to be an active doula and bring her knowledge back to her native Japan where doulas have not yet gained popularity. Congratulations on completing the program, Noriko!

We have control over many things in life. From choosing a career to dieting, we are generally able to set our minds to something and achieve it. Fueled by our willpower, we are generally able to make choices and take control of the situations in our lives.

Birth is not so.

For the first time (with rare exception), you are in an uncontrollable situation. Labor and the work of your hormones are absolutely unpredictable. Thus, you have no idea what is going to happen and neither does anyone else.

Let’s face it: Labor is going to hurt and YOU CAN DO IT.

There are numerous comfort measures available to you, but they won’t take away the pain completely. The key is accepting the pain. Surrender yourself to the situation. Trying to fight the pain will make things more difficult. But surrendering control over your pain doesn’t mean losing the fight. It means you are taking ownership of the pain. Try to think, “This is MY pain.” Don’t blame your husband, your doctor, your midwife or anyone else. It’s your pain alone and you can take it. The more you let down your guard against pain, the more endorphins will be released, making your labor easier. 1

When in labor, I suggest being grounded by staying in the moment. You cannot cry for help and try to escape the pain. Gather up all your confidence and chant, if necessary, “I CAN do it!” When you hear people tell you to relax during labor, think of relaxation as surrendering control. Soften that clenched fist, loosen those shoulders, that mouth. Surrender.

There are numerous stories of how this works. One mom recalled that in her labor, “(In my mind,) I was blaming God for doing this to me and then I changed to praising God and was singing hymns.” This transition was a memorable moment as I watched from her bedside. Until then, she was banging pillows and expressing her anger verbally. But from that moment of surrender, she fell silent and continued swinging her arms as if she were dancing with her husband. Her labor progressed considerably from that point.

For me, it was the same determination that sustained me through labor. When contractions began to come closer and stronger, I told myself that “This is my labor, nobody else can do it and I AM GOING TO DO IT.” Then I let my instincts take over to cope with the pain…or so I thought. When I was at 8cm, I moved to the delivery room and a nurse came in and said, “Oh, you don’t seem to be ready yet. You should have stayed in the laboring room.” Those words offended me, but then I realized I was still trying to hold on to conscious thought. I realized that I was trying to keep the labor pain under control and was successful until I was 8cm. I was thinking “I can go on like this and appear calm and collected until I deliver my baby.” I was afraid that the pain might take over and I would look crazy if I let my guard down against the pain. But I had to go beyond my fear and self-consciousness to reach 10cm. When I finally surrendered completely to the situation, I delivered my baby an hour later.

Coincidentally (or not!), this process of surrendering control and accepting a situation happens to be very useful not only in labor but later in motherhood. Once you have a baby, you cannot control her at all. She cries for no reason, she becomes sick no matter how hard you try, and she has her very own personality that you just have to accept. Interestingly, babies sometimes stop crying (after a long battle of trying to be soothed), when you give up and say to yourself,” OK, this is my baby. I’m gonna sit with her as long as she needs to cry.”

This surrendering process is also useful before delivery. My instructor shared her story of when her baby was breech. It was later in pregnancy and she was determined to deliver her baby naturally, though she knew a breech baby meant a Cesarean delivery. She tried her best to turn the baby with no success. Then she realized it was her ego was insisting she deliver her baby naturally. When she accepted her situation she told the baby that “I love you enough to give birth to you however you need to come.” At the last minute, the baby turned.

Once again, labor is going to hurt. Please don’t be afraid of it because YOU CAN DO IT. Please don’t try to turn away from it because the more you accept labor pain, the more natural pain killers your body will release and the more your primitive brain can guide you. If you are afraid of unknown pain, it is good to be prepared by learning comfort measures and asking for help as you prepare. These two steps will take you far into the labor process. But please believe in yourself and the fact that YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK and the memories of your strength in labor will give you confidence in future motherhood.

1. Birthing from Within, Pam England and Rob Horowitz, Pantera Press